


Deus Ex Mama Cosmos

by AsMyWimseyTakesMe



Series: Bits and Bobs [8]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Crack, Fix-It, Gen, Mama Cosmos IS NOT HAPPY, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 15:45:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10441200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsMyWimseyTakesMe/pseuds/AsMyWimseyTakesMe
Summary: In which Mama Cosmos shows up to visit her Astral kids and doesn't like what she finds.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Lord have mercy.
> 
> This is what happens when you have a throwaway thought in the shower ("So is the Cosmos the Astrals' mother in FFXV?"), and then it WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE.
> 
> This is utter crack. You have been warned.
> 
> Also, maybe spoilers? Because this starts when Bahamut has Noct in the Crystal.

Noctis closed his eyes. Bahamut’s presence was everywhere, surrounding him in light and power, as the Crystal’s song thrummed through his body. He wanted to protest, wanted to ask about Prompto and Gladio and Ignis, but his worries were subsumed by the shining song...

**BAHAMUT. WOULD YOU CARE TO TELL ME JUST _WHAT_ IS GOING ON HERE?**  

The Voice reverberated through Noctis, waves of brilliant warmth and refreshing cold, like the initial rush of a Phoenix Down. He sucked in a breath as his floating body was cradled in what felt like a giant feather pillow. The Crystal’s song dimmed. Bahamut’s overwhelming presence flickered. 

There was silence for a moment, broken only by a soft, echoing EEP. 

Noctis frowned.

_Did—did Bahamut just squeak?_  

He tried to open his eyes, but something— _a finger, that’s what it was, enormous and gentle and soft_ —pressed his eyelids back down.

**DON’T DO THAT, DEAR. I’M RATHER CROSS AT THE MOMENT, AND I’M AFRAID I CANNOT DIM MYSELF DOWN FOR MORTAL EYES JUST YET. LET’S MAKE SURE WE DON’T BURN OUT YOUR RETINAS AND DRIVE YOU MAD, YES?**

_Dim myself—what?_  

He couldn’t open his eyes, but the realization didn’t scare him. That brilliant Voice drowned out his fears and thoughts and the Crystal’s song. The Ring, a constant ring of burning cold on his hand, seemed to shiver. His body laid in what Noctis now realized was the palm of a giant hand that felt both firm and somehow insubstantial. The finger remained on his eyes, but his ears worked just as well as ever. 

HELLO, MOTHER! IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME. YOU’RE LOOKING WELL. 

Bahamut sounded… nervous? 

**DON’T YOU “HELLO MOTHER” ME LIKE YOU CAN DISTRACT ME, _MY SON_.**  The Voice huffed. **HERE I THOUGHT I WOULD DROP IN ON MY WAY TO MY ANNIVERSARY WITH YOUR FATHER TO VISIT MY CHILDREN AND SEE HOW THIS UNIVERSE IS DOING, AND WHAT DO I FIND? AN ABSOLUTE MESS! WHAT IN YOUR FATHER’S NAME WERE YOU IDIOT CHILDREN DOING?**  

WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH A SCOURGE AND SAVE THE PLANET! THIS WAS THE BEST OPTION.

**THE BEST OPTION? A DAMNED _PROPHECY_? ** The Voice swelled, rolling out like thunder through a canyon. **YOU IDIOTS ALLOWED THIS SCOURGE TO FESTER IN THE FIRST PLACE! I THOUGHT I COULD AT LEAST TRUST RAMUH TO BE THE RESPONSIBLE ONE! AND SHIVA! WHERE HAS SHE BEEN IN ALL THIS? APPARENTLY DOING HER BEST TO MITIGATE YOUR IRRESPONSIBLE ATTEMPTS AT HUMAN MANIPULATION! WHY IS SHE THE ONLY ONE TAKING AN _ACTIVE_ ROLE IN TRYING TO FIX THIS MESS? HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING? _MANIPULATING HUMANS ALWAYS LEADS TO PROBLEMS!_ YOU IDIOTS PRACTICALLY DESTROYED YOUR OWN PLANET BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO LAZY TO FIX YOUR OWN MESS! I SHOULD BOX YOUR EARS! EVEN LIFESTREAM DIDN’T SCREW UP THIS BAD!**  

BUT MOTHER, LIFESTREAM GOT CORRUPTED AND NEARLY DESTROYED HER OWN PLANET!

**AT LEAST HER SCREW-UPS WERE DUE TO OUTSIDE FORCES! YOURS ARE YOUR OWN FAULT!**  

BUT THE PROPHECY-- 

**SHUT UP!**

There was a popping sound, and suddenly Noctis could feel familiar energies surging around him. Shiva, Ramuh, Titan, even Leviathan--and there was a crackling, burning sensation that must be Ifrit. The hand holding him shifted, fingers closing around him like soft, guarding walls. 

**ALL RIGHT, YOUNG PRINCE.** The Voice softened. **IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO GO HOME, WHILE I DEAL WITH MY CHILDREN. SHIVA?**

I KNOW WHERE HIS FAMILY AWAITS, MOTHER. There was a frigid, ghostly touch to his cheek. SHALL I RETURN HIM? 

**NO, MY DAUGHTER, JUST SHOW ME WHERE TO PLACE HIM. I DON’T TRUST SOME OF YOUR BROTHERS NOT TO _INTERFERE_.**  

There were some protesting sounds and a low raspy chuckle from what Noctis assumed was Ramuh. Even as Noctis felt a tingling sensation through his limbs, Bahamut raised his voice. 

MOTHER, WE NEED TO FINISH THIS, BEFORE THE SCOURGE OVERTAKES THE WORLD! 

**A SCOURGE YOU DAMN WELL CREATED WITH YOUR DISINTEREST AND, IN SOME CASES, YOUR _MEDDLING_. **

The finger disappeared from his eyes, but Noctis’ eyes stayed stubbornly shut. As the tingling grew stronger and his hearing faded, the Voice rumbled in threat.

**DON’T YOU TRY TO RUN AWAY FROM ME, BAHAMUT! I OUGHT TO BOX YOUR EARS; IN FACT, I THINK I’LL DO JUST THAT!**

  

***

  

Noctis tumbled out of the Crystal and a pair of familiar arms caught him. He blinked at the thick black lines of Gladio’s tattoo.

“I—I’m back?”

He was hauled upright and his head reeled. He could see Prompto’s wild blond spikes to his left. Ignis was frowning in front of him. Gladio held him upright, and all three were talking at once. Noctis shook his head; his vision still swirled around him. 

“Enough!” Ignis cut through the chatter. Reaching out a tentative hand, he touched Noctis’ elbow and slid his hand up Noctis’ arm until he cupped his shoulder. “Your Highness. _Noctis_. Are you unhurt? What happened? How did you escape?” 

Noctis wavered. His eyesight was narrowing. He looked Ignis dead in his unseeing eyes and said seriously, “The Cosmos is boxing Bahamut’s ears and I think I need to lay down.” A moment later, Noctis keeled over in a dead faint.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah. Utter, unrepentant crack. I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
